When Hell Freezes Over

There we were. Braving -2 degree temperatures. Facing ferocious predators that wanted to devour us - whole and alive. Surrounded by snow and ice, with the smell of fear and death pungent in the air. Feeling like raw friggin meat. Thinking to myself, has hell finally frozen over? What *exactly* are we in for here...will we escape with any shred of life or limb?

Yes. [Flashbacks - shivers down the spine; hair standing straight up on the nape; and goosebumps all over my body - just remembering.] Hell yes! I’m talking about the National Toboggan Championship. Camden, Maine. February 9-11, 2017. That was one for the ages. And I’m finally ready to share some of that fateful occasion with you.

Rising up to challenge and looking death right in the eye with a laugh were my Teammates from Hell Freezes Over.  Each and every one a baller badass. Our Fearless Leader was Dr. Andrew ‘Evil Eye’, and our Team included Brian ‘Poseidon’s Wrath’; Kyle ‘Thunder n’ Lightning’; and Sal ‘Very Very Frightening’. This group of All-Stars, along with yours truly (‘You Ain’t Seen Nothin Yet, MF!’), represents Hell Freezes Over, and we were in it to win it! And how can I forget the star of the show, Crystal? Our beautiful, handcrafted toboggan. She’s a beauty!

Dr. Evil Eye led the way with a vengeance, embodying the ethos of Hell Freezes Over. He hired a physicist to consult on aerodynamics; a yoga instructor to teach us barbarians how to stretch into ideal toboggan positioning; and a master craftsman to construct nothing but the finest toboggan this earth has ever seen, she-that-was-respectfully-dubbed-with-the-stripper-name-Crystal. Dr. Evil Eye did extensive research on the best woods to use, the best wax to use, and the optimal techniques to wax under different temperatures. He led us in meditation sessions and copious amounts of hoppy ‘hydration’.

I have to say, we had a lot going for us. Not just our leadership and general badassery; not just diligence, athleticism, and discipline...we had some really kickass gear! From Arc’teryx LEAF, Alpha Jackets and Drac Pants; from Combat Flip Flops, custom U.S. Elite Shemaghs, proudly showcasing the  American flag; from Outdoor Research, the Ninjaclava, Crest Hat and Sensor Gloves; and from Salomon Forces, 4D Quest Gore-tex boots. As many of you Warriors know, it’s not just how you perform - it’s how you look! Applying the ‘CDI’ factor (‘chicks dig it’), I’d say our boys were oozing sex appeal, they were practically eaten alive. I can’t swear it was the gear. Then again, I can’t swear it wasn’t…

And then we took the plunge.


With the spirit of the ancient warrior, Kyle ‘Thunder n’ Lightning’ penned this about our battle with the Great White Whale:

Ode to Hell Freezes Over 2017

Andrews cottage right there in Camden

Offered shelter to these five madmen

Brian hauled the rig in snow filled Jeep

Couldn't wait to ride her down the steep.

They mounted her gently in the snow

Trying so hard to be in the know

Then gathered 'round in the kitchen

Gear from US Elite was all ass kicken

On Crystals' bottom they screwed skids

And buffed on wax as if still kids

To Mariners first for a Pancake and egg

More coffee and hash their stomachs beg

Donned the gear for the freezing cold

With rig on rack they drove to the bowl

Climbed the hill to top of the chute

Toes all toasty in those Salomon boots

Then four guys on the rig they'd jump

Heads leaned back on another man's junk

With a tilt, they'd drop from the dock

Tucked in tight, a race against the clock

The nine five eight looked real nice

Only until it came up twice

They prep'd and planned with all they know

Just to learn of the great big of nose

They'd dine and drink until all full

Then laugh at stories about the bull

Was that sound from the chili rumblin'

Or someone on the stairs a tumblin'

All the fun and memories they'll hold dear

Then gather again to kick ass next year

Postscript: Getting home was a lot of fun. Got to drive my Ram with a sense of purpose - 10 hours of fighting a blizzard that left over 2 feet of snow :).

   Getting ready    Watch out! We know what we're doing.   Tactically Dressed    Shemagh vs Balaclava     Red Dragon?    Mario and Princess Peach    Minions    Feels like home.

1 comment

I love it
you guys rock!

ben July 21, 2017

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